As what some people say: Only the good girls keep diaries…because they have the time. Time to scribble down all the things they have in mind, their ideas, their happenings, their opinions…EVERYTHING.
As for our modern world, scribbling down is not the hip thing anymore. More people prefer typing (just like me) that’s why blogs were developed. As for me, I’m not that familiar with blogs…not since 1st year college. One close friend introduced it to me..and since then (I think it was November) I started blogging. Typing down every bits of experience I have experienced. Name it…be it a super kilig one or a disappointment. And take note, I wasn’t contented with blogspot..I have my friendster blog and my multiply account. That’s how high-tech we are right now. But I share more in here…I feel more privacy. Just like a written diary. (I hope!)
Why am I saying all these stuffs here? Well, it’s because I just read 2 nights ago my diary when I was 15 years old. Yup! 4 years ago..I have this cute diary where I kept all my secrets..and I tell you, they’re deep ones. Well, after reading it, it gave me a hearty laugh. Some words are in wrong grammars (which is just normal, because upto now..I have my own errors. Oh, forgive me!) and then I have these secrets..secrets that were still secrets upto now. To tell you honestly, I was a bit saddened.
Why saddened? Because I felt like I wasn’t able to move on with THAT. Way back..it’s noted that I have that je ne sais quo (indescribable feeling) for 4 years. As for the present, that diary is 4 years ago..so it means that I have that stupid feeling for around 8 years now. I prefer to call it stupid..because of the fact that I wasn’t able to move on. It keeps hunting me… that made me miserable. Why am I like this? I want to wake-up..
but it appears that I’m enjoying with this small fantasy of mine.
I don’t really believe that First Love Never Dies. I force myself not to. But I guess, it’s hard to fool oneself. I succeed at times, but then again, I’ll realize that I will fail - - over and over again. I say something like “I promise, I won’t think of him…I’ll think of other things..I’ll stop this nonsense” The next day, I’m on my same routine.
One of my friend told me that why is LIFE so unfair. You keep on thinking about one person, and yet you don’t have the assurance that that same person is thinking of you as well. Thinking is really hard..especially when it’s the same memory, same instance, same person. There’s no something new..except of course when you imagine new stuffs..but it’s still hard. It makes your head hurt. If brains can only act, it might slap me already for thinking same thoughts everyday. Silly me! (.^__^.)
I told my friend na lang that ,maybe, it’s a good idea if a boy and a girl can swap worlds for a day. Maybe all our questions can be answered…
While reading my diary last time, I really wanted to have my little drama..you know, a bit of a crying mode. First, I wanna cry because I’m a good girl. Being proud that I was able keep a diary where I can be able to look back with all the things that had happened to me and be able to have one upto now. Second, to weep about the fact that something remains the same for 8 years. Yes.. whopping 8 years. I kept it as a secret..no single breathing human person knows about the truth except me. Well, my Mom knows partly about it, my friends know about it but they only know the half truth. It’s not bad to keep a secret only for myself, isn’t it? That won’t harm anyone…only oneself. It’s a matter of choice..and it’s my choice.
After reading it, I asked myself “What if that person knows about this? Will he be happy? Happy that someone had this kind of affection for him? Or sad because I’m having a hard time forgetting things. If he’s gonna be angry..much better. That may end up all of these, but how can I know? I just stayed as his online pal…ONLY!I just can’t ask him and share all my dilemmas and expect an answerto be flashed on screen..
I might as well not expect anything from any person…
I must release all these negativity inside of me.
I must believe in myself that I can stand-up for myself..I must learn how to be independent..as soon as possible.
I must not be that emotionally attached to any other person except for my parents and close friends (that will really be hard)
I must start forgiving and forgetting. (I think I have talked about this last January..upto now I can’t do it.)
I must look at the brighter side of life.
I must stop the things that keeps on hunting me. Start a new life..
I’m just thankful for all those persons that’s always ready to share some advice whenever I’m asking one. Be it a joke or a serious one..I’m still thankful.
In spite all of these… I know I’ll be fine.
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