I just need a week.

"I have always been a victim of history repeating itself" I've seen this from one of my former classmate's facebook status

liked it and said to myself

''hell yeah, I am a victim too."

This may be the first time I will blog about something like this here.

I tried to resist, but I can't.

I just have to write it down here hoping that one day when I finally have the courage to look back

I just have to smile with all the memories I have with you.

From the moment I stepped on the corners of that place

All I have on my mind is that this is the start of something new.

A beginning for my career, new friends, new challenges.

I find it hard to mingle with others since I am new.

I noticed you at once, but was taken aback because you don't have that friendly aura towards me.

Thought that "oh dear, its going to be a difficult 1st week for me."

And then one day, upon going home I was surprised because you said "hi"

We had this little chit chat as we go home, got separated at MRT because we just have to go near to that exit since we are too afraid that we can't go out when our station arrives. :)

I am on the left side, and you are on the right.

People flock in between us until just have to stop talking.

Honestly speaking, I was overwhelmed with all the things you have said to me.

The stories about the office, the tips on how to be friendly, who to friend or how to treat the boss.

As I arrived home, I texted my closest friend at once that I have found a friend finally. I am now looking forward to go to work!

The next day, I had my first overtime. I really wanted to ride my way back to home with you.

But one meeting hindered it. I really want to say can you wait? But I can't.

Who am I? Of course I know you want to go home straight away. I noticed that you came back after a  minute or two because you forgot something on your table.

haha! Silly me, I thought you are checking me if meeting is over or not. :p

Then days passed by. I found out that you are going to leave.

I have to count the days for your stay.

I told my closest friend that office is fun especially when you are inspired every single minute.

But its about to end.

She said that two only possible things can happen.

"STOP or to BE CONTINUED"

I'm just inspired..no feelings yet.

Maybe because I found a friend in an environment where I am new in.

That's all that really matters. I need a friend.

And then I noticed how you care.

Every single "ingat ka pag-uwi ah", "san ka na?" "house ka na?" "kain ka na dinner?" "kasama mo na parents mo?" "goodnight!" "goodmorning! ingat ka papuntang office" really mattered to me.

I don't really know how to react that's why I just replied with "thanks! ikaw din."

or just a simple "THANKS! :)"

And since I am not really used to this for a while I just have to make funny jokes on you or aasarin nalang kita. In that way I can say that I care in a funny way. At least I made you laugh in one way or another.

And then your last week came.

It was funny how you text me of "may overtime ka?"

then I will say: "meron..kainis."

then you will reply: "aww. wala na naman ako kasabay. kaya mo yan! masanay ka na!"

Wednesday arrived. Last 3 days before you finally move-out.

I still have my overtime. dammit!

The last time i went home with you is during the first time that you said hi.

So what to do?

I have to say that I have an appointment in the evening with my boss so that I can go home exactly 6pm.

Which is true naman. Pero honestly, it can wait since it's in the evening naman.

Pero I just have to do it. Good thing the boss allowed me.

Then I am happy. We get to talk again far from the eyes of our other officemates.

Supposed to exit at Ortigas station but I was a bit scared that I can't go out quick so I decided to exit at Araneta Cubao station..your station.

I insisted that you just have to go home since you are only one jeepney ride away from your house but you decided to stay with me.

We talked even though hunger striked!

I had fun, but I was shy.

Plus you gave me airheads. That wraps it all up. :)

Then came your last day.

During that day, I texted my closest friend that this is the day I don't want to happen.

But I just have to sit and see what will happen next.

Before lunch time, i was surprised because Prince of Persia came into plans.

I was talking about Shrek 3 with you the night before. I know its not your type of movie but I want you to say it na "tara, nood tayo." kahit joke lang.

Was surprised that you want Prince of Persia.

Honestly, I don't want that movie. But I'll give it a try.

Was supposed to be on a Sunday but you are at Baler.

Surfing. That's ok with me.

Then that night you are at Subic drinking.

Its ok with me.

Told you that our plan can be pushed to next sunday or next monday which is a holiday,

no work for me.

First day without you in the office is sad.

I always look at your table..remembering how you look like when working.

Maybe its ok to say that I missed a friend.

But somehow I feel you are near since you always made my phone beep.

I get to confide to you my problems at the office.

Funny because I get to tell you that I'm about to go home, where am I, did I ate lunch or dinner or when I am about to sleep na.

We even talk about what tv channels are we watching.

Me watching on a Spongebob channel and you on an HBO channel.

I get to know that you love How I Met Your Mother TV series as well.

That you love that movie, Serendipity - which I love too.

And that you hate Twilight. Fine. :)

Whole day talk with you even if you are not around made me smile.

Even if I don't get to see you, I know you are near.

Saturday came.

I get to see Prince of Persia.

I rushed all my work in the office. Even my co-workers were surprised with how I managed to finish them all in time.

I finally get to see you after a week.

Movie was great!

After the movie, its late. MRT services were already out.

We have to get a bus ride where I am not familiar with.

But being with you made me feel safe.

You held my hands until we have to be separated again.

I really don't want to let it go but I have to.

"Miss na kita, gising ka na."

That was the first message I've read upon waking up the next day.

"Hello, goodmorning! kakagising ko lang. Miss na rin kita."

 was what my right thumb pressed on my phone.

During that day, I know that I no longer see you as a friend.

Something changed.

But I'm ready to risk and try it.

I'm not doing any harm. All I know is that I am happy.

That day I get to go to mass alone. That night you asked me if we can go to mass next Sunday.

I agreed. Why shouldn't I?

At least I get to show him to God, even if I'm not yet ready with my Mom.

Plus you asked if I am ok for a movie marathon in your house.

I got second thoughts.. but I want to. So I said Yes.

Monday to Saturday was torture.

I'm starting to dislike my job.

I have constant headache.

You got coughs.

We start to comfort each other.

"Pwede ba ako nalang mag-alaga sayo?"

"tara, tabi ka sa akin..alagaan kita. Kahit sa isip lang."

Plus the thought of our plans for Sunday and Monday is killing me.

Kung pwede lang na mapabilis yung oras so that I can see you na.

But life has to make you wait.

Sunday came. I was excited.

Mass will start 3:30pm-4:30pm.

We decided to meet at 2:00pm.

I decided to enter at a different entrance so that you won't see me at once.

Time is ticking hard, and when I finally get to see you I got a tight hug.

I felt special especially when you held my hands like no one can get it away from you.

We ate at Mcdonald's because you crave for it.

I'm not that hungry but I get to order a float and a fries.

I enjoyed looking at you while you were eating. Its fun.

Something new for me.

Then mass came.

We were seated at the far left corner of the chapel.

Thoughts kept on bugging my mind that maybe someone I know might spot us.

But that doesn't really matter.

All i know is that I am with the person that I care about most at the moment.

Hotseats were usual.

I get to be asked when I arrive at home.

I just have to stay quiet or say something different.

As long as I am happy, there's no harm in doing it again.

Monday came.

movie trip day.

A day to meet his family even though his parents were not around.

Meeting his sister and his aunt still means a lot.

I get to see his world.

I woke up early, he woke up late since he went out on a night out that previous night with his friends for their business ventures.

I left home late because I have to make an errand for my online business.

Meeting place is at Starbucks-Araneta.

I just can't wait to see him again after 16 hours.

When he tapped me at the back, saw him wearing a cap, a shirt and a shorts.. I blushed.

I don't know?! Because he looked cute wearing a cap.

Im starting to like him more.

Going to their place is a big deal for me.

I get to eat lunch with his family.

I get to see how he live his everyday life.

I get to see the picture of his parents

I get to see Lordy, their dog.

I get to see some of their businesses.

I get to see him as a person.

I started to appreciate him more.

I've been there from 11:00am to 7:00pm.

Hurt Locker, Dear John, Up In The Air.

I didn't remember how these movies end up.

Because my mind is actually pre-occupied with the thought that I am with him.

And then the unexpected happened.

I have to say it was my first.

Yes, if ever you get to read this. That was my first.

And I won't ever forget you for that.

What's sad after that day is that I didn't expect that

that day will be the last day I will ever see you again.

I remember we were together counting the days until our next meet-up.

11 days? 2 weeks?

We promised we will wait and that we can do it together.

But things changed suddenly.

Cold treatment surfaced.

Phone beeps once a day.

Or worst, no message from you.

No more goodnights, no more goodmornings.

No more message from you..i only got one when you get to reply on one of my messages.

I asked if I can see you, but you said you were busy.

2 weeks passed..

and now for its 3rd week, I'm fed up with your silence.

Am I bugging you? I've got to have an answer.

June 30, 2010.

This is the first day I started crying for you.

You rejected me twice. I just can't continue carrying this feeling.

I have to tell it to you.

I saw you on online on facebook.

This is my chance.

I asked first whether you are ready for your interview for the next day.

Said my goodluck and finlly had the courage to say it to you.

"alam mo..namimiss ko yung dating *****. Sorry ah..pero yun nafifeel ko. I'm sorry if nagexpect ako that much.. kaya lagi kitang niyaya na makita ka. Pero I know naman na busy ka. Namiss ko lang yung dating ikaw.. kung weird. sorry."

And then he replied that he is confused as of the moment. That things were different from the way before when we were together. He needs to distance himself to me.

A sorry wasn't really enough.

"alam mo..sana sinabi mo na agad dati pa. Hindi yung para akong ewan kakaisip. Hindi naman ako galit sayo. Pero you left me hanging out of nowhere. Dati ok tayo.. tapos biglang ganon. cold. Pero cge kung yan gusto mo..fine with me."

I know he can't say it to me right away. All men are the same. But still, the thought of you investing your feelings for that person and then suddenly he will tell you that he has to leave is the kind of pain soo hard to endure.

"yoko sana kitang igive-up.. kasi iba pagkakakilala ko sayo. Pero kung ganito lang din... i hate this feeling."

 I can't bear saying these things.

But I have to love myself..I have to think of myself now.

We can only be friends.

Only friends.

-Marielle-

July 2, 2010